I've suffered from severe depression my whole life. I've tried many medications, and therapists, and programs, and nothing has seemed to work. If it did work, it was never for long. After so many years, I've accepted that this will be something I struggle with my entire life. I'd always have that heavy, empty feeling in my chest. I'd always have those thoughts telling me that I was worth nothing, that I don't deserve the life I was given, that nothing I ever did or ever would do could possibly matter.
As you may know, I recently had another baby. The one thing I feared more than anything was that I would have PPD like I did with my first. It was so bad I literally do not remember the first few months of my daughters life. I'd only recently asked friends and family about it, and I can't believe some of the things they've told me. I wouldn't let anyone near me or my daughter. I would lock myself in my room all day. I stopped talking to my family. After a month or so, I stopped taking care of Krystal. My mother would take her all day as I sat in my room and did nothing. I told my friends how I wanted to kill myself, and how I hated my daughter. I started drinking. And you know what? I remember none of this. I remember VERY little from about the first week of her being born to about 3 months. I remember taking a picture of a bee. I remember buying a roll of tape from Walgreens. I remember sitting in the secret office at my OB as she asked me how I felt towards my baby, and her calling the hospital and telling them I needed admitted immediately. And that's it. The first 3 months of my daughter's life and all I remember are those 3 little details. And that's only after talking to my friends about it for weeks and trying to figure out what happened.
Good news though. I believe I'm PPD-free this time, and I'm not even on medication. Sure, I get overwhelmed on occasion. Of course I get mad when Krystal doesn't listen. But I don't have that empty, sad, hopeless feeling I've experienced for so many years. I actually feel normal, and it feels amazing.
I hope this feeling stays. I hope I can be happy. I finally love my life, and I absolutely love my little family.
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Welcome to the World, Grayson!
While it's still fairly fresh on my mind, I figured I'd write Grayson's "birth" story, in every detail I remember. So here it is :)
I'm pretty sure that my labor started on Sunday. I felt really, really "normal". The few days before I'd been completely exhausted and sick and tired, but Saturday and Sunday I felt completely fine and figured that I was far, far away from having this baby. Sunday I mostly just relaxed, I wasn't really tired, I just felt like I should take it easy. I figured it was just from my sister's wedding the previous day that I was exhausted. I sat around a lot, and noticed I had A LOT of Braxton Hicks contractions. I've had a lot the past few weeks, enough to where I've called my doctor a few times and been sent to L&D, but I didn't even care this time. I was 37 weeks, if they were going to turn into anything this time it was fine.
Around 2am I started feeling a little crampy, but I thought it was just an upset stomach, so I went to bed. I had a dream I was playing my Nintendo 3DS, but kept getting really bad stomach cramps and couldn't play. Eventually, they woke me up. It was around 4am now, and I remember thinking about what an odd, painful dream I was having. I had another one, and still kind of ignored it, thinking I was still sleeping. About 20 minutes later they were uncomfortable enough I couldn't ignore them anymore, and I got out of bed and walked around and got some water and stuff. Krystal woke up too and followed me to the living room.
Over the next hour they kept getting worse. I realized I was actually having contractions. I sat on my exercise ball and waited to see if they would go away since I drank water and was moving around and stuff. Nope! Krystal even came up to me once while I was having a contraction and grabbed my belly and said, "Mommy! Mommy! You ok? You ok?!" She was so concerned and it was so adorable :) I got her something to eat and put on some Mickey Mouse for her and went downstairs and got my mom. (I didn't want to wake Matt up for nothing. I also just wanted my mommy...)
My mom comes upstairs and we're sitting in the living room and the contractions keep getting worse. Around 6am they're getting bad enough that I can't walk or talk through them anymore. I'm still in denial, but my mom calls the doctor. The contractions are about 5-10 minutes apart at this point. The doctor tells me to go to L&D, and while my mom is finding a babysitter I spend half an hour telling Matt to call off work then changing my mind and telling him to go to work. I finally decide he's calling off work.
We get to the hospital around 7:20am, and they get me set up on the monitors and everything. I'm having contractions every 5-10 minutes still, which isn't as "normal" as they like. They just keep me there, and check me at 10:30. 3cm and 90% effaced. I was 3cm and 50% effaced last time at my doctor, so they tell me they'll check me one more time in a few hours. Around 11:30 the contractions start hurting so bad I asked for pain medication. They gave me something with an 'S', and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes. Of course it didn't work for long, and I felt woozy and in pain. Around 12:30 they checked me again and nothing changed. They called my doctor, who said I wasn't in labor, and they sent me home. The nurse was almost crying for me, she knew I shouldn't be going home but there was nothing she could do.
The next few hours were pretty hard. I did not want to go back to the hospital, because I was stubborn and angry. I walked around the living room, ending up on the floor for the most part. My contractions started coming about every 5 minutes and were getting stronger and stronger. I still didn't want to go back. My mom called the doctor again though, and I talked to the nurse. I was told to walk around and drink water. Sorry lady, that doesn't stop labor. Luckily for me, I had a contraction on the phone, started crying, and she put me on hold to talk to the doctor. A few seconds later she came back and told me it was time for me to go to the hospital. I got my stuff back together and tried to make it to the car before I had another contraction, but ended up laying in the yard for a minute while my dad had Matt move the car closer. After that, I ran to the car and we were on our way back to the hospital.
We got back around 4:30 or so and they put me back in a room. It seemed to take forever to get set up. Probably about 45 minutes after we got there the doctor finally came in to check me again. Finally! I was 4cm! I'm "in labor" now! It's official! I got admitted and immediately asked for the epidural. The pain was killing me. I was told they'd get it for me as soon as possible, they had a twin c-section to deal with first.
The next few hours were hell. No pain medication, no epidural. My contractions were coming every 3 minutes and lasting over a minute and a half. Every time a nurse came in they told me that I was going to get my epidural soon. Around 7:00 the nurse checks me, I'm at 5cm. Woohoo, don't care, get me the epidural. Soon after, the anesthesiologists come in the room. I cannot explain how excited I was. Of course, it doesn't matter. It takes them almost an hour to get the stupid thing in. They had to try so many times, and they kept stopping during my contractions, which was probably best, because I really couldn't stay still through them at this point. Finally, a little after 8, they get it in. About half an hour later, it's working and they check me again. I'm already at 10. It's time to push. (This would explain why it still hurt!)
They call the doctor and I try to ignore the fact that I feel like I really have to push. I try to relax and wait for the doctor. She gets there a little after 9, we get set up, and it's time! After 3 short pushes, my baby boy is born. :)
And that's it! That's the story of him coming into the world. It was a long day, but it was perfect!
I'm pretty sure that my labor started on Sunday. I felt really, really "normal". The few days before I'd been completely exhausted and sick and tired, but Saturday and Sunday I felt completely fine and figured that I was far, far away from having this baby. Sunday I mostly just relaxed, I wasn't really tired, I just felt like I should take it easy. I figured it was just from my sister's wedding the previous day that I was exhausted. I sat around a lot, and noticed I had A LOT of Braxton Hicks contractions. I've had a lot the past few weeks, enough to where I've called my doctor a few times and been sent to L&D, but I didn't even care this time. I was 37 weeks, if they were going to turn into anything this time it was fine.
Around 2am I started feeling a little crampy, but I thought it was just an upset stomach, so I went to bed. I had a dream I was playing my Nintendo 3DS, but kept getting really bad stomach cramps and couldn't play. Eventually, they woke me up. It was around 4am now, and I remember thinking about what an odd, painful dream I was having. I had another one, and still kind of ignored it, thinking I was still sleeping. About 20 minutes later they were uncomfortable enough I couldn't ignore them anymore, and I got out of bed and walked around and got some water and stuff. Krystal woke up too and followed me to the living room.
Over the next hour they kept getting worse. I realized I was actually having contractions. I sat on my exercise ball and waited to see if they would go away since I drank water and was moving around and stuff. Nope! Krystal even came up to me once while I was having a contraction and grabbed my belly and said, "Mommy! Mommy! You ok? You ok?!" She was so concerned and it was so adorable :) I got her something to eat and put on some Mickey Mouse for her and went downstairs and got my mom. (I didn't want to wake Matt up for nothing. I also just wanted my mommy...)
My mom comes upstairs and we're sitting in the living room and the contractions keep getting worse. Around 6am they're getting bad enough that I can't walk or talk through them anymore. I'm still in denial, but my mom calls the doctor. The contractions are about 5-10 minutes apart at this point. The doctor tells me to go to L&D, and while my mom is finding a babysitter I spend half an hour telling Matt to call off work then changing my mind and telling him to go to work. I finally decide he's calling off work.
We get to the hospital around 7:20am, and they get me set up on the monitors and everything. I'm having contractions every 5-10 minutes still, which isn't as "normal" as they like. They just keep me there, and check me at 10:30. 3cm and 90% effaced. I was 3cm and 50% effaced last time at my doctor, so they tell me they'll check me one more time in a few hours. Around 11:30 the contractions start hurting so bad I asked for pain medication. They gave me something with an 'S', and I fell asleep for about 30 minutes. Of course it didn't work for long, and I felt woozy and in pain. Around 12:30 they checked me again and nothing changed. They called my doctor, who said I wasn't in labor, and they sent me home. The nurse was almost crying for me, she knew I shouldn't be going home but there was nothing she could do.
The next few hours were pretty hard. I did not want to go back to the hospital, because I was stubborn and angry. I walked around the living room, ending up on the floor for the most part. My contractions started coming about every 5 minutes and were getting stronger and stronger. I still didn't want to go back. My mom called the doctor again though, and I talked to the nurse. I was told to walk around and drink water. Sorry lady, that doesn't stop labor. Luckily for me, I had a contraction on the phone, started crying, and she put me on hold to talk to the doctor. A few seconds later she came back and told me it was time for me to go to the hospital. I got my stuff back together and tried to make it to the car before I had another contraction, but ended up laying in the yard for a minute while my dad had Matt move the car closer. After that, I ran to the car and we were on our way back to the hospital.
We got back around 4:30 or so and they put me back in a room. It seemed to take forever to get set up. Probably about 45 minutes after we got there the doctor finally came in to check me again. Finally! I was 4cm! I'm "in labor" now! It's official! I got admitted and immediately asked for the epidural. The pain was killing me. I was told they'd get it for me as soon as possible, they had a twin c-section to deal with first.
The next few hours were hell. No pain medication, no epidural. My contractions were coming every 3 minutes and lasting over a minute and a half. Every time a nurse came in they told me that I was going to get my epidural soon. Around 7:00 the nurse checks me, I'm at 5cm. Woohoo, don't care, get me the epidural. Soon after, the anesthesiologists come in the room. I cannot explain how excited I was. Of course, it doesn't matter. It takes them almost an hour to get the stupid thing in. They had to try so many times, and they kept stopping during my contractions, which was probably best, because I really couldn't stay still through them at this point. Finally, a little after 8, they get it in. About half an hour later, it's working and they check me again. I'm already at 10. It's time to push. (This would explain why it still hurt!)
They call the doctor and I try to ignore the fact that I feel like I really have to push. I try to relax and wait for the doctor. She gets there a little after 9, we get set up, and it's time! After 3 short pushes, my baby boy is born. :)
And that's it! That's the story of him coming into the world. It was a long day, but it was perfect!
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| Grayson Michael James 6lbs 14oz, 19in |
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