Uncharted Territory

I've suffered from severe depression my whole life. I've tried many medications, and therapists, and programs, and nothing has seemed to work. If it did work, it was never for long. After so many years, I've accepted that this will be something I struggle with my entire life. I'd always have that heavy, empty feeling in my chest. I'd always have those thoughts telling me that I was worth nothing, that I don't deserve the life I was given, that nothing I ever did or ever would do could possibly matter.

As you may know, I recently had another baby. The one thing I feared more than anything was that I would have PPD like I did with my first. It was so bad I literally do not remember the first few months of my daughters life. I'd only recently asked friends and family about it, and I can't believe some of the things they've told me. I wouldn't let anyone near me or my daughter. I would lock myself in my room all day. I stopped talking to my family. After a month or so, I stopped taking care of Krystal. My mother would take her all day as I sat in my room and did nothing. I told my friends how I wanted to kill myself, and how I hated my daughter. I started drinking. And you know what? I remember none of this. I remember VERY little from about the first week of her being born to about 3 months. I remember taking a picture of a bee. I remember buying a roll of tape from Walgreens. I remember sitting in the secret office at my OB as she asked me how I felt towards my baby, and her calling the hospital and telling them I needed admitted immediately. And that's it. The first 3 months of my daughter's life and all I remember are those 3 little details. And that's only after talking to my friends about it for weeks and trying to figure out what happened.

Good news though. I believe I'm PPD-free this time, and I'm not even on medication. Sure, I get overwhelmed on occasion. Of course I get mad when Krystal doesn't listen. But I don't have that empty, sad, hopeless feeling I've experienced for so many years. I actually feel normal, and it feels amazing.

I hope this feeling stays. I hope I can be happy. I finally love my life, and I absolutely love my little family.