Childbirth.

If you haven't already, please read my post about my daughter's birth before you read this one. It'll make a lot more sense. That post can be found here.

The thought of going through the process of childbirth again is horrifying to me. It's more than horrifying. It's nauseating. It's disgusting. It's... I'm not sure I can find words to actually fully describe how I feel about childbirth.

Now, I haven't always felt this way. I used to think childbirth was the magical, amazing process of bringing a new life into this world. Sure, there were some gross parts, but that's just part of it. Not all that much you can do. And in the end, you get to meet this amazing little person that's been growing inside of you for the past 9 months.

Now my views are completely different. Childbirth is a completely disgusting process. There are no other words for it. Every aspect of it is horrible. There's nothing separating you from your neighbor's dog who just birthed a litter of puppies a week ago. You just sit there as your stomach contracts and forces a giant gooey ball of child out of your body, all while you're sitting there moaning in pain and looking like a monkey in a zoo.

And it's not like you're going through this in private. You're sitting there constantly being watched and monitored by nurses. Nurses who also probably think you look like some kind of wild, dying animal.

I don't want to be humiliated again. I've already come to terms with the fact that yes, I will have to birth another child here shortly. I'm 7 months pregnant. For some reason when getting pregnant I hadn't really thought about the fact that they have to come out eventually. That probably would have altered my decision a bit about getting pregnant in the first place.

I do not want to be induced again, but I fear for my own safety if I go into labor on my own. Why would I willingly share the information that I'm in labor? That I have to go to the hospital? Why would I put myself in that position of vulnerability again? I keep telling myself that if I were to go into labor naturally, I would probably lock myself in my room and not tell anyone. I would just sit in my room, as quietly as I could manage, and avoid the hospital all together. But that is incredibly stupid. What if something went wrong? My selfishness could be deadly.

I don't know what I'll do when it's time for Grayson to make his grand appearance. Hopefully I'll be smart and selfless enough to get myself to the hospital. But I feel like I'm brewing up a brand new batch of crazy over here, so there's no guarantees.