Emotions and Pain

You probably think this post is going to be some long boring rant about how miserable I am or something, but it isn't. Well, not really. Let me explain.

I am not "allowed" to feel emotion. You know how boys are taught not to cry? I get in trouble any time I'm anything other than happy and healthy. I'm not allowed to get frustrated, or angry, or sad. I'm either being a bitch or trying to get attention.

Example: My grandmother passed away last year. She had cancer and there was nothing that could be done. I remember one time I was sitting in the living room, and I was thinking about everything, and I started crying. Nothing over the top, I don't think I even made a noise. Just a tear fell down my face. I was immediately asked "What the fuck my problem was." I said I was just upset about the situation. Who wouldn't be? But my emotions and feelings were wrong. I was told that I didn't understand. Basically, I shouldn't have any emotions on the situation, because I wasn't as close to her as other people were.

Every time I get mad about anything I'm told that I need to stop "being a bitch". I am not allowed to get aggravated that I constantly ask people to not throw food in the sink, and it keeps happening. I'm not allowed to be upset that the cat walks on the tables and counters, leaving dirty little kitty prints everywhere. I'm not allowed to get angry that Krystal is ripping pages out of her book and hitting me and screaming and causing trouble. I'm not allowed to get angry. There is no such thing as angry. It's me over-reacting and "being a bitch". I don't even know what is "justifiable anger" or is just me being crazy. Apparently everything I get upset about is unreasonable and crazy, so I feel guilty and stupid about my emotions.

I'm just not allowed to feel anything other than happiness. I'm 7 months pregnant and (already) can barely walk. I fell down the other day and was yelled at not to say a damn thing about my aches and pains, I didn't work all day. Yes I did. I woke up early and made enough potato casserole to feed 40+ people. All the chopping and cooking wasn't exactly easy. It took me three hours just to get it all in the oven. Then I had to try to keep the kitchen semi-clean (I totally failed there) and I had to watch the spaghetti sauce to make sure it didn't burn. I delivered the food and helped get everything set up. I helped in the kitchen. I helped put the food away. I had to make sure Matt was ok all day. Then I had to of course play with Krystal, get her food, all the regular mommy duties. At the end of the day I cleaned up her playroom, and was getting ready for bed. I could barely walk between the pain in my ankles and the pain in my hips and back. That's why I fell. But even my pain is wrong.

It's not fair. I had the stomach flu and was stuck in bed for two days with a fever throwing up every 15 minutes. I was told I was a bad mother. I couldn't watch her. I tried anyway. It was fun teaching her not to lean over the toilet constantly and make puking noises. I'm glad she didn't get sick though.

Apparently, life as a stay at home mom is nothing but pure joy and health. There is no reason for me to ever be anything other than happy. There is nothing stopping me from keeping the house spotless at all times. All this extreme joy and laziness I get from staying at home should even be enough to fight off the worst of flus.

Don't even get me started on trying to have "opinions". This post would never end.