Mermaids

Every once in awhile my mind will get this crazy thought that it becomes completely obsessed with. Lately, it's mermaids.

Yeah, like that

I'm not sure why. I also don't know why I'm writing this in a cracked.com article format. But that doesn't matter right now. All that matters is mermaids are not real.

I understand and hope that the majority of the population already understands this fact, but there are people that not only believe in mermaids, but actually believe that muttering a few words in your bathtub with the door locked will turn you into a real live mermaid. Google "mermaid spells" if you don't believe me. If you're too lazy, here's an example:

“In this night and with this power,
I call on to you in my darkest hour,
The magical kingdom let me through,
Ohh please make my wish come true.
Hear me now hear my need,
Spirits from the other sea,
Make this spell magic.
Ohh god ohh dear god,
Make me choose wrong- don’t make me odd,
Make me able to breath underwater and sing every song”.

 Real stuff there folks. Be careful though, it only works if you're "meant to be a mermaid". Luckily this trend seems to have died down a lot. A few months ago this was everywhere. People were claiming they were turning into mermaids and even posting pictures of their transformations and everything. Now it seems to be a trend between 10-13 year old girls. Old enough to know better, but not like 16-18 like some of the people that were posting this crap a few weeks ago.

Anyway, that little rant is over. Now it's time for a new mermaid rant. Woohoo! 

Grab your party hats!

Mermaids DO NOT EXIST. Usually this would be common sense, but when trusted sites such as foxnews.com are running articles that Israel is offering $1,000,000 for the capture of a mermaid, that's where I have a problem.

Let me start be rephrasing the beginning of that last paragraph. Mermaids CAN NOT exist. At least, not according to the theory of evolution.

It is stated that every creature evolves to fit is environment. If a mermaid were to evolve to fit its environment, it would be so drastically different from your idea of a mermaid you probably wouldn't even mistake the two.

A human (even half-human) was not designed to live in the water. A "real" mermaid would not have hair. Can you imagine being under the water with your hair flowing all over the place? Uh oh! What if you see a shark? You turn your head, your flowy hair gets in your face, and you get eaten by sharks. Or even if you just decide to swim away just in case, your hair is going to get in your face, you'll probably get lost, and then you'll get eaten anyway. How are you going to keep an entire race alive when you're constantly getting eaten by sharks?

If mermaids knew what a ponytail was, this wouldn't have happened.

And besides the hair, there are so many other things that would basically kill a mermaid instantly. Like the shape of their heads. If a mermaid has a human face, they would have to be looking up to see where they're swimming. That would cause a lot of drag. In order for them to be able to swim away from predators fast enough, they'd have to look down. If that was the case, they wouldn't be able to see. They would probably run into a rock, and get eaten by sharks. (Anyone else notice a theme here?)

And lastly, for now at least, is the arms. Mermaids would not have arms. They would serve no purpose other than slowing you down when you're trying to blindly escape the sharks. Sure you'd be able to grab things, but what does that really matter in a world of sharks and whales and giant squids? Nothing. Nothing at all. 

So basically, according to the theory of evolution, even if there ever WAS such a thing as a mermaid, it probably died instantly. They are not meant to look like what people think they're supposed to look like. Take away the hair, the face, change the head, take away the arms, and we might have a mermaid.

Look! There's one now!

And that's all I have to say about that. Now I can move on with my life and continue not believing in mermaids. Whew!